dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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