On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
