I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
