Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
