Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize