Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
