you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
