Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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