the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
