I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
