I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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