she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I fill condoms, not promises.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
