im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize