final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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