Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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