I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
