White coat. Heels.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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