no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
