My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
