just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize