my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
