You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Randomize
