You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
