True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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