Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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