the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
