I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
