Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
