I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
