im drinking this country out of the recession.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize