they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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