I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
