Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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