before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I think I won the penis lottery.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize