what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
