Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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