dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize