my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize