the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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