Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
