I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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