We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
