I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
