I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
