A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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