you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
