Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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