I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
