I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
