Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He shit in the fireplace
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
