so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
