i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
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