Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Congratulations! We have a period
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