I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
