I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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