I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
