Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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