My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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