no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
