Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
How drunk are you?
Completed.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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