im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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