We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
