Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
40s are totally the cure
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
