I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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