my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
