Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize