Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
i think i just lost a toe
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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