can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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