How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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