just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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